...

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." — Dr. Seuss

my newly found love... photography

"When you photograph people in colour you photograph their clothes. When you photograph people in black and white, you photograph their souls." - Ted Grant

always looking within

"You have to know when to accept rejection and reject acceptance..."  - Ray Bradbury.  Now I don't know who Ray Bradbury is but as soon as I read this, it rang true..

I've been staring at this blank page for hours not knowing what to write.  I have so many thoughts trying to force themselves out of my mind and onto this page but I had trouble sifting through them to avoid sounding confused and misguided.  So thanks to Ray, he at least gave me direction.

Accept rejection and reject acceptance... Quite the same as saying being rejected doesnt mean you should accept anything and everything that comes your way just so you feel comforted.  Make peace with the fact that you may not always be accepted.  But also beware of being accepted into destructible cycles.

As an observer of the happenings taking place in my city, my birthplace... Johannesburg, I can safely assert that people strive to be accepted into certain "social circles" and people within those circles associate themselves with people of their kind.  Its all shallow, quite frankly. But I'm not the judge of how people choose to live their lives, I'm merely an observer recording my experiences.

I have personally learnt to refuse being pulled into worlds that I know i do not belong but was, at some point, accepted into.  As much as this is true, I know that I've had difficulty dealing with rejection but have in the end managed to internalise it and move on. Yes its life and its my truth.  I dont force a life of solitude upon myself but it happens so as I can draw strength and refocus from it.  Its a world many dont consider visiting.. it is the grassroots of my culture and of my ancestors, its my beginning and my end, it is a place where God resides and it is my oasis ... its my truth.  Thats the place I go to when the world rejects me and I feel accepted.

Rejection of acceptance isnt just about "not fitting in" or not being able to please him.  Its about refusing to accept any complexities that have been supposedly set about me.  The prejudices that supposedly define the creature that I am. The indefinite talks that will always be the poisonous characteristics of this world.  Its about rejecting the commonness of the world that expects you to be a certain size, to look a certain way, to speak a certain way, to earn in a certain amount of cash and follow certain trends.  Am i not on earth to fulfill a uniquely created role.. a particular purpose?

I will not ask the question that always makes me cringe... i will not ask "who am I?" because I ask myself this all the time and finally got my answer.  So why reject it so soon after I have learnt to accept it? If I do then I'd be throwing my identity into infinity, with probably a one in a million chance of relocating it.

What i do know about myself does lie in the depths of my soul and I've exposed few people too many to that place.  So when you see high walls built around me, they're there to protect a treasure that was repeatedly exploited and is now inaccessible.  However, this is my truth, being opened up to the world and this is as far as i will take it.

I see life through different eyes and hear it through different ears, feel it with different hands, walk through on different feet... its a unique experience.. and I embrace it wholeheartedly.

T*

Its been a long time...

Blogging is definitely a luxury.  Leisure time which I unfortunately haven't had since my mastercleanse blogging.  I still haven't had any epiphanies but life just keep taking me into the dungeons.  The darkness that I have yet experienced is indescribable and its beyond any sort of expression.  But I came out of it, alive, again... this is hard.

Without going into any detail, I can safely proclaim that I've had to do a lot more introspection.  At the point that I thought I was ready to move on, it was not the case.  I put one foot out the door and quickly retreated into the safety my cocoon.  I put one foot out into trouble, into loss, into sorrow and pure depression, utter pain.  I kept thinking that maybe I'm not made for this life.  People go through adversaries and they pull through and learn to walk again in the light.  Oh dear God, whats the matter with me?  Into what shape is God really planning to mould me into?  Its been difficult.

The day's are slowly becoming friendlier.  I can smile. I laugh sometimes.  I dont want to take it too far just in case i fall again.  This is a fragile time but its also a time that has showed me who God is and who I am.  I'll never look back and think how careless I've been but I'll look back with the sense of knowing and embracing what has built me.

I'll be bent into different shapes until I become the perfect sculpture that God wants me to be...

Thato...

Day 7 - Mastercleanse - 14/9/10

I'm weak... I made today the last day of the cleanse.  With good reason, was my dad's birthday and I had to join in the festivities with the rest of the family.

The morning was not good at all, I felt very ill and my hands had started peeling, clear signs of deprivation.    So I decided to end the fast and feed myself :-)

I think a week was sufficient for a beginner, I'll detox again in about 3 months or so.  I will however decided to work-out in the mornings and will continue drinking the lemonade because the cayenne pepper has performed miracles in my body.

So my dad turned 56 today, I'm grateful that he's around, some people dont have the privilege of growing up in the presence of a father.  We have never had a close relationship but there's been some form of relationship nonetheless.  I wish him life in abundance.

Lastly, I almost fell into the trap of entrusting my heart into the hands of another man, thank God I was saved in time.  I had to kick him to the curb, was not easy because I had become very fond of him.  It's ok, I've dealt with bigger problems, I'll get over it - I'm a big girl now.

The journey did not end here though... the meditation continues as I entrench myself into the life that's within me at the same time I cultivate my soul.

Life has indeed changed and I have too changed, grown and matured..

Thank You God..

T*

Day 6 - Mastercleanse - 13/9/10

I resisted Chicken Licken hot wings today.. was not cool let me tell you.
But once again my will power was tested and I was fine..

I had the measurements right today because the lemonade tasted better.  Really liking it now, and I think my body has gotten used to it.

Anyway, so I had to eat something because I felt like I was going to faint... seriously.  So I had an avo with greek salad - tasted divine - I never thought once that I would call "rabbit" food divine.

The wonderful thing about this cleanse is that it teaches me to appreciate a healthy lifestyle, think once i'm done I'll find it easier to adapt to healthy eating.  With a few bites of McD's or Chicken Licken here and there but not dwell on junk.

The effectiveness of the laxative tea seems to last longer than overnight, I make more trips to the loo than i did before.  Dont know why theres a delay.

Besides the little weight loss, I also feel a massive difference in my sinus area.  Doesn't feel as congested as it usually is - so the cleanse is sorting my body out.

It's really going well, I thought I'd struggle but its not so bad.  I obviously tweaked it a little so I can have veggies and fruits now and then but its essential because I dont think I'd still be up on my feet on the 6th day.

I feel healthier, lighter and slightly cleansed... im not there yet.


T*

Day 5 - Mastercleanse

The night has come and yet another day has passed..

Today was really tough because I had to skip Sunday lunch L .. not cool at all

And my mixture was badly watered down, not sure if I got the measurements wrong or because I used different containers.   Anyway so I gulped it down as quickly as I could – I’ll have to double check on my measurements tomorrow.

I made a strawberry and banana smoothie with coconut milk, which I think I’ll just have tomorrow.

I cheated a bit today though, nibbled on a biscuit and a tiny piece of meat.. felt guilty but knew that the tea would sort me out later.

I don’t know how I cant get through 10 days without eating a single thing! Oh lawdy!

Anyway so I had a few strawberries, which tasted really good.

Think I’m going to buy gum or tictacs just get rid of the hunger breath! Eeeeuuwww!

Some days I hate this and other days im cool with it.

So I’m about to head to bed, I didn’t have my chai rooibos tea today but I’ll have a cup of Blackforest then wait for the early morning alarm – trip to the loo.

Loves it!

T*

Day 4 - Mastercleanse - 11/9/10

Ok I’ve decided to not think about the fast but to let it become a part of my routine.

By not thinking too hard about it then the process isn’t made hard.

The sea salt wash in the morning is getting unbearable to stomach though, especially when I have to fill up an extremely empty stomach.  But it has to be done.

The toilet has indeed become my toilet, I wake up to it and spend the rest of my day in it – understandably, considering that I spend the entire day drinking a liquid and I drink a laxative tea every night. But like I said – it’s part of routine.

I had no crazy cravings today but I just wanted to be home all day.  So I went out in the morning and did a few things and I was back home in no time.

I became engaged with my books, which I think is a good distraction.  I did, however, have an avocado, I needed to, the previous day was a day of stark starvation.

Lol. Its funny how I keep referring to losing weight and starvation as though these were the reasons that pushed me into starting this cleanse, I guess hovering somewhere in my consciousness, it is partly for that, to lose a bit of weight.

I don’t have issues with my weight, but as soon as I start bulging then I get really angst and apprehensive.

So the avo tasted good, I did feel a little sick after I had it, but it was good nonetheless – had no funny reactions from my stomach though.

Its ok, because whatever I consume for now, passes right through, that laxative tea before bed is no joke.

T*

Day 3 - Mastercleanse 10/9/10

I had absolutely no food today…

Hunger did not overpower me, I overpowered it.  This is the strength of will power.

Yes, I’m detoxifying my body but I’m also revitalizing my mind and soul. 

I find it less and less easier to resist food and I don’t give into cravings.  I was craving McDs and I had to ignore the temptation.  At this time, I would’ve driven to a drive thru and left with a bag full of junk.  So I guess its good, I’m not depriving myself, just choosing what is right to consume.

I thought I would feel dizzy and get headaches but I don’t. instead I have a surprising amount of energy that I think I’m getting from my body being rid of all sorts of shit.

So I drank my lemonade mixture all day and I went home and slept.  My body should be thanking me for taking care of it like this, cleaning up and rest..

Anyway, I woke up to the smell of roasted chicken and chips… dammit! My dad had bought dinner – my will power kicked in immediately, had to remain focused.

I didn’t have a single bite of that food.  I retreated into myself instead..

My taste buds have become accustomed to the state of the lemonade mixture and it makes the fasting so much easier.

Master cleansing… its not an easy thing… I don’t know how people do it for 40 days

Strength!

T*

Day 2 - Mastercleanse - 9/9/2010

Dammit I cant weigh myself because the bathroom scale is broken!

I feel so light already, havent had food in a day feels like its been years, the cravings arent too bad though.
My bowels are working overtime and they wake me up at odd hours of the morning. I cant say i feel a difference in my body yet.

I've been gulping down the lemonade mixture and it supresses cravings somehow.  I realized though that if i dont at least eat something, before I disappear into nothingness and also dont want make my body think that im starving it, I'm really just getting shit out of my body.

So I've decided to eat 1 fruit or 1 vegetable each day with the mixture, preferably food with roughage. I could be cheating but my primary reason for doing this thing is not to lose weight but to cleanse the body - regardless of what i said in the first two lines.

Its not easy, I wont lie.. but it feels good.

was a better today, no headaches or funny things..

T*

Day 1 - Mastercleanse - 8/9/2010

I was woken very early by last night's herbal laxative tea that had gone to work in my stomach.  Every felt like it was in knots but I felt better afterwards then I returned to bed for an extra hour of sleep.

I was woken by yet another bowel movement, so this time I had to get out of bed altogether.

I hurried to the kitchen for the sea salt cleanse before forgetting.  I made it less salty because last night's tasted awful but I'm thinking that I might not be doing it right, I'll have to mix a proper solution tomorrow.

After my shower I couldnt wait to mix my Lemonade 'shake', I had all my measurements and ingredients ready.  Every was ready in no time waiting to by enjoyed.

I read a few blogs of people who've been on the mastercleanse and they all had issues with the cayenne pepper, turns out that i do to so I'm going to decrease its measurement.

The morning wasnt bad at as I didnt have any bad cravings, it got a bit torturous when I got to class and everyone was cookies but i had to remind myself of the purpose of this cleanse.

It got a bit tough in the afternoon as the cravings for food became unbearable.. and it just got worse because I had to work hungry!

Was quite grumpy when i got home so i went to straight to sleep.. this thing's hard

T*

10 days - Mastercleanse, night before...

Night before...

The cleansing has started.  I gathered the last of ingredients today, cost me an arm and a leg but I think it'll be all worth it in the end.

So I have:

• maple syrup Grade B 
• mineral water,
• lemons, 
• cayenne pepper, 
• blackforest tea, 
• chai rooibos tea 
• and himalayan salt..

This is all that will make its way into my mouth for the next 10 days..

Its not only a journey of cleansing the body but also of cleansing the soul..

come with me..

i had to bid you farewell...

I came to see you at your grave on Saturday, September 4.

I spoke to you but you didn't answer, I hope you heard me.

You no longer have eyes to see me, ears to hear me, arms to hold me, hands to touch me, feet to walk with me and a heart to love me but I know you still have a soul and that soul still burns and it still breathes.

Because I stood at your grave and I felt you..

You towered over me as I told you that I've missed you.  Its almost a year since you left me but each day never forgets to remind me that you will never return.

I’ve learnt to smile again but not to love again.

I’m learning to be alone but its lonely.. sometimes I wish I had a brain tumor just so as I can hallucinate and imagine you still there, still have long chats with you, still laugh with you..

I’ve had to embrace the maturity that came with dealing with your death.. I’ve had to change.

I sat at your grave and I had no words except I love you… you will never cease to be a part of me.

I had to come bid you farewell because I cant keep living, hoping that you’ll reappear.  I need to break away from you so I can stand on my own again.  Open my eyes to another world of companionship, the possibility of marriage and maybe even children.. I need to find in someone else what I couldn’t fulfill with you.

I kneeled at your grave and I prayed for your soul.. I hope you’re well looked after wherever you are.

I came to your grave to say goodbye.. for the very last time.

Its a new dawn...

 A break into the new season ignites new hope, new dreams, new longings and new ambitions.

A new sky opens up to breathe new life into the lungs of creatures and trees that died during the dry and cold days of winter.  Layers are gradually being peeled off as the skin yearns to be kissed by the sun.  Indeed it marks a new life..

The 1^st of September 2010 felt as though the year has now only begun.  The pain that saturated every part of me flowed down from my hair along my spine around my waist down my legs onto my feet and out through my toes… yes, I feel lighter.

My soul has opened to a different light and to a cleansing that has been long overdue.  I hear God more clearly… my channel to Him is wide open and unhindered by the overbearing doubts that clouded His existence.

I see God… in the joy that consumes my heart and the smile that fills my face.

He speaks and tells me stories about a tomorrow that will be nothing like today.  He says I’m maturing and I’m becoming a woman.  He says my life is defined by the kingdom which He has created within me and lacks the superficiality that the world encompasses.  He says I have been beaten up to tell stories of experience and of goodness and of triumph.

It is a simple story of how a human being triumphs over adversaries.  It’s a story about darkness being the light that can lead you to a better place.

It is not about isolation, its about change and identifying the truth and embracing that which I am.

This is what I have seen, its my experience and this is what it has brought – I cannot turn and run.  Its me and its my life.

Photo of the day - Sunday 29/8/10

My fairy sits lonely on my back...

my tattoo

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Saturday 28/8/10

Businesswoman of the year awards 2010... and this is a taste of what the deco looked like.

the brilliant work of Showgroup - via Johan

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Friday 27/8/10

The efficiency of the South African Revenue Service

No more pen & paper or even scanner needed to capture my signature, all I had to do was sign on this device.

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Thursday 26/8/10

Fill up the table..

So I attended an SRC event on Thursday evening.  It was put together to celebrate women, within the spirit of women’s month.  I didn’t expect much from it except free food.

I waltzed in at what I thought was ‘very late’ but needless to say, the event began late and I was apparently on time.  I did however miss a performance by Lebo Mashile, who it turned out to have been the highlight of the night because after she left everything plummeted into disarray.

Quite an inspiring woman stood at the podium when I arrived and she was delivering a speech she hoped would impact on the few attentive students.  Even those few seemed disinterested in what she was trying to convey.  It made me think about the purpose of the night, the purpose of the event, the purpose of Women’s month, the purpose of endless talks..  What do we really take out of them?  Do we really listen and internalize and enact?

Yes, Women’s month means well and it carries historic weight but does it encompass enough ground to carry women through?  I don’t think so.  Women have been progressive in the last recent years by making a mark for themselves within many male dominated realms and they’ve done remarkably well in empowering each other.

However, women are still degraded, objectified and sexualised.  They’re still underestimated and judged.  Most women are still very submissive to the pressures of society and the manipulation of men.  Many turn a blind eye to who they are and feel obliged to portray who they are not.  I think women are yet to win the battle and yet to finish the race - called women empowerment. 

It was disturbing to watch guys at this SRC event who stood in front to ‘honour’ female members of the council and yet they pushed to the front of the queue so that they could receive the first serving of food.  No tact, and no etiquette.  Ironically, it was a women’s cocktail dinner but males dominated over the tables, the food and everything else.

Which brings me to the above pic.  So people received two coupons, which would buy them only two drinks at the bar.  Now the two guys at our table tricked people into giving them their coupons so that they could have 10 beers between themselves.   This, I thought, was utterly gluttonous.  I hate feeding into stereotypes but black people do get out of hand once things are offered at no charge – by the way 95% of the people there were black.  I have no issues against my own race, in fact I embrace my black skin but some people in this black skin make me wish this skin didn’t belong to me.

I think the event was a failure and could’ve been better planned.  Better organised and brainstormed to leave the many young women in that hall with resonating messages, unfortunately this was not the case.  And so we celebrated Women’s month at another empty event..

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Tuesday 24/8/10

Garnier from India, bought to last me a while.. *all smiles*

PHOTO OF THE DAY - 21/8/10

And the strike continues...

Protesters outside Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Friday 20/8/10

I covered the strike at Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital...

Health minister Aaron Motsoaledi addressing the media

The plight of the public strike had left the country crippled on Friday August 20. The minister stepped with his team of qualified health workers, pharmacists, doctors and nurses to help struggling hospitals.
He even volunteered to help doctors at the casualty ward at Baragwanath Hospital.  He was pictured here telling the media that he's been out of practice for 16 years but medical procedures were still fresh in his memory. No resolution has been found as the strike still continues.

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Thursday 19/8/10

Rash not getting better, had to use calamine lotion

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Wednesday 18/8/10

Skipped quite a few days without finding something to photograph, tells you just how boring my life is, i guess.
So anyway, I saw this van with the Snoopy sign on it, I was driving to work, thought it was cute.

snoopy van parked in the streets of Parktown North

Te amo... I love you...

lifetime memory...

I was enlightened today.. 

He may not have told her the truth before he died and I guess its good that he didn’t because then she wouldn’t have had this deeper understanding of the matter..

She sat through a lecture today.  It was a lecture about HIV/AIDS.  The lecture was lengthy but it was interesting and definitely informative.  It took her through the publicly known facts about the virus, things like the different ways a person is likely to contract the virus, the different treatments available to people who are living with virus and the different methods of prevention.

And then there's the cheesy phrases like: prevention is better than cure.

But here's the interesting part, her attention was caught by a diagram that illustrated the different stages that a person, that has been infected, goes through before he or she dies.

In the first 12 weeks, a person is highly infectious then the next 10 years or so they reach a level of stability, so the virus lives in the body but its dormant.

In that period, their chances of infecting the next person aren’t too high but that still does not wipe out the fact that it is highly possible.

She must have met him during this period.  Everything was masked and the surface was polished.  She would have never suspected, but who would’ve.  And there it was, the magical life together.  Untainted and beautiful. Sacred and new.  Fun and knitted.  Violent and peaceful.  Fulfilling and promising..

Promising security, promising life, promising truth, promising marriage.. but killed by the unreality of a façade that created cloudiness until he died.

See, he said he would marry her and assured her that she was the only one.  But she still refused to consummate the relationship, he never penetrated her being, her soul. 
He was ill, and he didn’t know, she didn’t know this and if she had given herself up, she would’ve been well on her way to the grave too.

She never got the chance to question him about where he had contracted the virus because he had never told her as soon as he had tested positive.

Fact of the matter is that she had refrained from ever having sex with him, she put herself ahead and that’s why she’s still alive.

She relinquished all grip on all that he was to her because there were many others besides her.

It’s the harsh reality.  The stigma is still attached to AIDS and no one takes the initiave to talk about the cornerstone of the epidermic.

Its until he got to the opportunistic diseases phase that he plunged into the whirlpool that was death, sucked all the life out of him and out of her… she watched the larger than life love of her life disappear into nothingness.  

He should have told her the truth, she could’ve revived him… it breaks her till this day.

He was the life she lost and in his death she lost herself, but because she abstained from him she died and was resurrected.

He died in pain, in silence and she could’ve done so much more..

T*

PHOTO OF THE DAY - 13/8/10

And some days are better than others...

Instant grass session at Thesis clothing store - Mofolo

PHOTO OF THE DAY - 12/8/10

Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens.. my new home.  I want be immersed in the serenity of this place and breathe under the falling water.  And dont have to think about existing but just be..

photo courtesy Henry Macrery

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Wednesday 10/8/10

I spent the day without my ring - usually fits on my forefinger, i was in total despair... felt naked

I don't have the best looking fingers in the world but i love them nonetheless.

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Tuesday 10/8/10

Some days are worse than others...

I'll let you know in a month about the letter i received today, its not the reason for my depression, only part of.

PHOTO OF THE DAY - Monday 9/8/10

It was 7.30am and I was driving to work.  Women's day and I couldn't celebrate it.
Although I only had 4 hours of sleep, I retrieved the energy from some sort of reserve...
No actually, it was the song on 5fm that gave an awakening... CRAZY WHITE BOY!
I can love you better! *singing*
So pictured here, I was jamming in the car.

Tired as hell but jamming to CRAZY WHITE BOY on my way to work.

Photo of the day - Sunday 8/8/10

Rash on my face is worrying

Macbook open ready to do some work

There's actually supposed to only be one pic but I had to post 2, just to create a bit more context.  This was me at work today and I was trying to get some of my varsity work done inbetween our bulletins.  Unfortunately this didn't happen.

As a result my stress levels have increased and judging from the close-up pic, the stress isnt doing good to my face.  i have an unexplainable rash, not sure if its the product I use or mere stress.  Considering the pressure that I'm under, I wouldnt be surprised if it actually is stress.

My twitter page is clearly visible on the PC screen.  Cyberspace, it keeps me sane and fills the space of the man i dont have.  Keeps me entertained, and yes its sad, but its also ok.  its not ok in the sense that it interferes with my work and its obviously something I have to work on.

That was me today, like it is every other day, work, work, work.  If its not the station then its varsity.  Only for another few months though. I'm holding on for dear life.  Some days I get insults and get spoken down to, that I'm lazy and useless.  Its demoralizing and it breaks me emotionally, mentally and physically.  I must admit that sometimes, I do slack off and lag behind but it isnt intentional.
I just have to work harder, its true that one learns from one's mistakes.

If i burn out then i do.  Recovery is the best part.

For now, as Angela Simmons tweets: Pressure makes a diamond. #keepPushing

later!

T*

people arent worth the beauty of words... but this is about a person nonetheless...

Within u I lose myself. Without u I find myself wanting to become lost again... #ihatequotes

...I've lost count, you've been gone a while now..

Monde,

I am keeping busy.

To distract myself from

Thoughts of your hair

And toes and skin and shoulders

And scent.

I feel your ghost in each

Breath I take, and

I keep thinking I see you

Out of the corner of my eye,

Your lips stretched into a smile.

It was so rare to see you smile

During the past few months.

I wish you were here.

Yes, I'm very busy.

Thato...

-Daily Love-

day 196... PHOTO OF THE DAY..

Coming soon...

day 194 ..it's never easy

Most days start off seeming like they will be joyful and they give you a sense hope, especially when you don’t feel like stepping or even rolling out of bed.  And as they unravel, you suddenly realize that you should’ve stayed under those covers. They don’t get any better but keeps spiralling out of control.  We’ve all had those and I guess we’ve all lived past them but I feel like I wake up to those kind of days.. every single day.


Its not a matter of not reaching into reserve and drawing from it enough faith and hope to sustain me but it’s a matter of fighting gravity, getting up on my feet, lifting my head and walking.

I’ve had better days and it hasn’t always been morbid.  However, I guarantee you that I’ve had dark and dingy days more than I’ve had blossoming and rainbows.  Its not a matter of positivity and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, it’s a matter of knowing and not doing anything about it.


I don’t have to pretend that I’m being optimistic because that’s just bullshit and I cant see beyond the footsteps I take.

I could wake with a new sense of ambition and it would turn out to not be good enough.. that breaks me, rips my spirit.   So I try again the next day, and it’s the same bullshit, perhaps its beyond my mental capacity, maybe I am lazy, stupid and useless.  It gets to a point where you start to believe and yes I shouldn’t. yes theres so much more to life, yes I must focus on the positive, yes I must smile and forget about the stress. Fuck its life! And its here to fuck you over when you’re not being cautious.  Dammit man!

It also fascinates me how I will blog when I’ve been shaken, like I was today.  Today I realized that my capacity to produce work isn’t so large, feeling quite mediocre and bland. But that’s just me.  This is my space and when I feel like crying, like screaming, like ranting.. its mine and you cant tell me shit.

So let me be.  Tomorrow – I wake up and try again, in fact I give it my everything.  And if  I fail, I’ll be justified.

My thoughts have been disrupted by sleep sending warning signals.. time I laid myself to rest, wish I didn’t have to wake up…

When I think back to last week, my bunny lay next to me, thank God for the warmth and solace that one human being can give to another.

Love,

T*

...thats me

Glitter Graphics - Myspace - Orkut - Bebo - Hi5 - Friendster - Facebook - eBay

...takes the pain away

...in love with John Mayer...

Day 151... 13 days into the World Cup

So since kick off its been a crazy run for stories and excitement over which country will qualify into the more challenging rounds. Emotions were high on the 11th of June 2010, I can remember how I couldnt think straight that entire day. And yes, plenty stories have been written about that defining moment, about this historic moment.

The opening ceremony wasnt spectacular but at least it had moments of beauty. The opening game was Bafana Bafana's stage for glory and pride as the national team, I hadnt had hope in them ahead of the World Cup but they performed.

Stationed in Witsvuvuzela2010 Newsroom has been mind-blowing. Linking up with international journalism students has obviously taught different aspects of the craft of writing and producing media. Its just been difficult finding stories in a place as limiting as Jozi, then again with the World Cup, theres no such thing as, there is no news. I could make nothing into news. Im not complaining... its great experience. But today, i actually got to a point where I am completely over the World Cup, tired of hearing about it, tired of watching it, writing about it! just tired period!

The thing is, the World Cup is the best thing that has ever hit this country and we should be embracing it, I should be embracing it. Its just easier said than done when you're a journalist and not a fan in this whole thing. I cant remember the last time I lounged and had a bit of leisure time. Pushing hard, working hard... story of my life. Guess i'll rest when Im dead. So im not complaining, I want to go hard and yes, this is cliche, be the best I can be.

Anyway, I dont have much time, I have to go file for the Cameroon and Netherlands match and my day just got worse after my mother lambasted me on the phone, its crazy.

So, I'll leave the rest of my thoughts for tomorrow.

love, light and peace T*

...Drake is the hottest thing right now

Day 132... girls are like apples on trees

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enoughto climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

Day 131...7 days to the 2010 FIFA World Cup

I remember when the countdown was sitting at 500 days and most people were still oblivious to the fact that South Africa was the first African nation to host this spectacular event.

So timed dragged on along and the foundations of stadiums were remarked, roads restructured and the cities revamped.  Looked like they were taking their damn time to finish but hey its almost done, its a scramble for the last few days but its almost done.

I'm officially feeling the fever, I must say. I'm excited and waiting to share my space with the rest of the world.  Its an opportunity for foreigners to experience this country in its entirety and not the snippets that are portrayed on the international news channels.

They will realize that this country is, please dont mind the cliche, a place of possibilities. Its a country full of colour and explodes with potential.  It has everything needed to produce uniqueness and to mystify.  Its different cultures and languages are certainly enough to fill hearts with pride.  This is home and fills my soul.  This is the place that foreigners are set to connect with for the next month... so they need to see the optimistic picture and they will go back home with lasting memories.

So while they are here, I shall be trailing behind the beautiful men that are the best products from overseas.  See if I can hold some of them captive!... hahaha!

I'm ready for the World Cup and I cant wait for it... so to the greatest football spectacle... Welcome to Mzantsi.

Feel it! Because it is just around the corner...

T*

day 125...

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. # Rumi

Now be silent. Let the One who creates words speak. He made the door, He made the lock, He also made the key #Rumi

Abandon this world, so that you may become king of all worlds. Throw away your handful of sugar, so that you may become the sugar field.

Open to me, so that I may open. Provide me with your inspiration. So that I may see mine.

Love flows down. The ground submits to the sky, and suffers what comes...

-Rumi quotes-

Day 124.. do you...

Practice equanimity of mind; your life's vital force is your breath; the calmer your breathing, the stiller your mind... be still.
-Secret Diary-

#FACT out of the many liquids in the world, only tears can explain the real meaning of pain.

These are just some of the words I found on twitter and it was love at first sight.

My love affair with words keeps me sane, keeps me at peace, keeps me with me and keeps me alive.

T*

Day 113...just a really bad day.

Call it hormones, call it frustration, call it inadequacies, call it stress, call it whatever hell you want but its damn annoying... It started off with nausea and then it was downhill from there.

 I gathered my stuff and made my way to school to hand my assignment in on time... i was excited but the nausea was still there. So I went to work. And it didn't get better but only plunged into murkiness and now I feel worthless.

It could be one of those days, and yet it could not be. It could be loneliness, it could be sadness, it could be depression, it could be looming death...and yet if it could be one of those days, then I hate these sort of days. If its depression, then it has to stop being cryptic and let me move through it.

I hide away from the world, I keep myself in my books, in my laptop, in my work and I fear. Closed up within a box of self-pity and difficulty. I hate this... More now that I'm admitting it to myself. I have all sorts of shit building up inside and I'm almost certain that as much as I think I'm dealing with it, maybe I'm really not.

And then in the end it kills me...slowly...with poison...with love...with insanity. Maybe I'm lost or maybe im imagining this. Maybe I should walk away from today and hope that tomorrow will bring smiles with sun, joy with the stars and comfort with the skies.

 I need to speak God...because He's the only one that truly understands.

 This life is heavy but I have to live through it.. no matter what.

 This time, I'm not going to cry - I'll be ok..

 T*

Day 102...

Last night was good, it was a breath of difference, of refreshment, of open-mindedness, of warmth, of conversation and of laughter...

I admit that it was goodness that I haven't felt in a little while and maybe goodness that I've never felt before. So life reached out and shook me out of the coma that I thought was me. However that-self has been sadly walking towards unknown territories and blinding pleasures.

Once unable to decipher my own writing, the manual, God's script, I now know what has been written about me. 

I am now ready to embrace that which I am and last night... made it all easier for me.

Life begins again, with new trials, new challenges, new roads, new destinations, new pains and indeed I have to face them.

But I'm glad... glad that I had to compare myself to the superficiality of this world... to see who I am. I look into the mirror... and thank God because I absolutely love what I see..

Last night was good... and I think it was necessary.

So yeah, everything does happen for a reason.

Day 92...

Sometimes, we try to forget but never will, because we had moments, unforgettable moments that showed us love...

Day 87

Every hour and every minute of my days are spent running around trying to get things done on time.  I rush to different places spread my seeds and the next thing, time is up and its time for bed. It was cool when I was an undergrad, things werent easy but they were manageable, right now I feel life developing into what its meant to be, transforming into the person that I ultimately should be... So point is, reason why I havent blogged in years is that I've been extremely busy and I havent had time to simmer in my own thoughts.

Ok so I've gratuated and my degree is sitting in my cupboard at home. I've realised how its just a degree, you get awarded the certificate and then its over.. move on right along. However, my parents are completely elated and thats justified but I think its too much. They have insisted to throw a grad party for me which I was against for reasons, I will elaborate on. So the party is set to take place on Saturday and the entire family has been invited, including neighbours and friends. Here's my issue, the celebration isnt a bad thing but it becomes a curse if it happens in an impoverished environment. So here's what I'm getting at, considering that I live in the township and life there is generally not rosy and golden.

Young girls get pregnant or contract HIV, some dont get to pursue their dreams i.e. study further or even finish matric. some dont even get to attain a simple thing like a drivers' licence. Its completely annoying because I have to keep my achievement on the low only to make sure that I'm not stepping anyone's toes and that I'm not in anyone's face about how well my life is working out. Life isnt the same for all of us, this is pretty obvious but it is more apparent in the townships because people are always scrutinizing and sizing you up and comparing themselves to you. and once they notice their deficiencies then i have to suffer for their lives having gone wrong.

 So what I'm trying to say is this, I didnt want to have a graduation party because I dont want to put myself out there and have people analysing me, judging me, envying me and sizing me up. Its my achievement, my success and my key to a better life, not anyone else's but my parents do not see this. People are jealous and evil out there, I dont believe in witchcraft but people are often pushed to such limits and my graduation party will most likely push a few towards "getting rid" of me. Who knows, in two years, I could be dead.. But its a battle I will not lose, not when God is on my side. So I'm going to have this graduation celebration without a hint of fear and I'm going to pray day and night for protection and more blessings because it is indeed God who has brought to this place in my life. And I'm truly thankful that I took heed to His voice and gestures into the right directions. So He is my only fortress right now.

And then! Drama! Some people are just unbelievable. It is apparent to me, by now, that I will not get along with everyone and thats ok. I had to meet new classmates at the beginning of the year and some I took a liking and some I didnt. Those sort of dynamics have a way of creeping out of cracks, no matter how hard you try to cover them up. So if I dont like a person, I wont pretend but I will be civil.

We generally get along in class, for the sake of being in the same class for the whole damn year. But some people have taken upon themselves to take things personally and not take criticism well. As a result of this, I'm known as the "Coconut periphery" - the black girl that chills with the white girl in class.

Well, maybe the black girl feels more comfortable around the white girls, its none of your business what my preferences are. i gravitate towards what is more comfortable for me and I refuse to be brought down to the slimy level of narrow-minded, small town, confused boy. Anyway, I've been quite upset about this and I had explode it off in my space.
This is MY space... and just by the way, its not about race! Aaaaarghhh!!!

Anyway, I have to run along, I'm out of time...

Over and out!

T*

Day 71

Waking up to Rihanna's Rudeboy!! Hola hops!

Boondocks Season 3... coming soon! what?!!!

Day 103 - Happy Birthday Nu!

I never once thought that I'd be celebrating his birthday without him... 


He has been gone a while now and the pain still digs deeper into this abyss that I'm struggling to fill.  People say that it will get better with time... but will it, really?  I keep telling myself that I'm ok, but am I really? I face each day desperate to forget, desperate to rid myself of thoughts about him and his lingering spirit and will I ever?


Truth is, this is something that will never go away, something I will never forget but thank God that pain subsides and it fades with time, it really does.


Our relationship was never perfect and a lot of the flaws are slowly creeping out of dark corners now.  However he is passed on and I need to deal with the weight on my own. I'm forced to be strong, forced to grow up, forced to face reality... yeah shit is real.


So when I ask myself, why me? Theres no answer, just frustrating echoes from my empty core.  I don't know, maybe, this was set for me to encounter and I'd eventually get the most fulfilling experience out of it.  Honestly... i don't know, these things have a way of revealing a mysterious resolution in the end ...i wait for that end.


In the meantime, I celebrate my nunu's life today as I celebrate his birthday... 


Happy Birthday Monde, you left me too soon and I miss you still. Love you forever.. 

Day 68

Ok so Twitter might seem completely unnecessary and time-waster for some people but I actually find it quite entertaining and in many ways therapeutic. yeah funny, i know. So I came across this thing called TheLoveStories and the person behind it tweets only about the matters of the heart and stuff that build you up.

From TheLoveStories to my blog, I intend to transfer these words of honesty and love... 

TheLoveStories: "Sometimes you need a second chance because time wasn't ready for the first time.." 

TheLoveStories: "If you keep God inside your heart, theres nothing that will come into your life that you wont be able to handle, God is enough!"

Day 63 - Post graduation! - Wits gives you the edge, eventually!

Ok so my Graduation day was on the 24th March, making it last week Wednesday! A very overwhelming experience and I was utterly upset by the fact that I had no time to blog about the day. Eish I didn't blog about my birthday either, I'll sort it out.

 So anyway, I'm a graduate now, feels amazing, I also feel grown... its all good though cause its gotta happen, cant stay young forever.

 Here are my thoughts on my graduation: The limelight was set to shine on me as I gradually walked towards it. My heart was beating out of my chest and my nerves were uncontrollable. Why am I nervous? I asked myself. And all that echoed back to me was my pride and joy. So it wasn’t nerves, it was the disbelief that I had successfully reached my graduation day.

 A spectrum of academics filled the Great Hall stage as the audience’s cheers praised the graduates that went before me. Then I was up onto the first step, the next step and then I was standing next to the Dean of Humanities, Tawana Kupe, waiting for my name to be called. “Thato Mokhou,” he announced and that was my cue to walk towards my light.

 The Chancellor waited with his hand out to me, ready to proclaim me as graduate. Swollen with pride I approached him, sudden camera flashes captured my moment and his brief congratulatory words. The moment quickly came and swiftly it was gone but it was the best two minutes of my life yet.

 I remember the day I walked through the gates of Wits, while filled with the confusion and excitement of being a first year student I knew that my future would be rooted into the prestige and academic reputation of Wits. My mind was initially clouded by the endless professions that one can venture into and sadly in my indecisive wonder I ended up being a first year student three times. Nonetheless I found my home in the Arts and have not regretted it since.

 So does a Wits degree really open up doors? Well with persistent prayer and mere luck, my degree has opened up doors into numerous passages that can only lead to possible greatness. And not only this but the degree will easily … an academic during dinner parties. Now I could brag about studying further, collecting more degrees and being honoured at different tertiary institutions. – I’ve always wondered what it felt like being an academic and now I kind of do.

 Fact is, obtaining a degree is no walk in the park. All my sleepless study nights, endless trips to Wartenweiler and Cullen libraries and perhaps also my inspirational Fridays at the Bowling Club have seriously paid off. I’m officially a graduate, (whos still studying by the way), even so I can proudly declare that Wits has given me the edge. HALALA!

Day 93

Essentially, the one honest thing you could've done before dying was tell me the TRUTH.. Damn you.

Day 60 - I actually don't give a SHIT!

I owe no one an explanation! People can rattle their brains and wag their tongues, its all pretty useless because I don't give a shit! I've been hurt too many times to care anyway. People are the most evil on earth. They are the most dangerous killers of the human spirit. You're lucky to find a person with genuine & transparent intentions. People that are all about what's going on in other people's are just too cowardice to deal with their own! I'm tired of this nonsense! Dammit!

Day 79

I loved my man. I don't care what anybody may say, I absolutely adored him...

Day 71: DJ Rocco - Memories

I have to dedicate this song to the man that was essentially the epitome of humility and love... my love.

Day 68

I loved him the best way I knew how and that's the deepest truth.
Unfortunately finding forever is never guaranteed...

Day 35 - Alicia Keys has got to be the voice embedded within me...

Day 30 - Theres no burger... like a Jo-burger!

I'll be checking out the newest product out of the South African film industry this weekend!

JOZI! Coming out the 26th February!

Day 63

Honestly... I miss him & it hurts deeply.

Day 62 - this too shall pass

When a friend told me, a week after Monde's death, that this too shall pass, I felt like shooting him down.

Two months down the line... i know exactly what he meant.  Tragedy is like an earthquake, it comes unexpectedly, shakes you enormously and leaves you lifeless suddenly.  The aftershock kicks you while you're down and the days are clouded for the longest time.

And then the sun comes out and the streams fill up and the birds sing again. Then new beginnings are the newest dawn.

yeah its all fairytale like but its real, its been so real to me.  Not once did I think that I would smile with sun again or hear my own laughter.

Its two months today... even though I sometimes wish that he could call or step through the door returning from the longest trip, I know that it wont happen.

He is never coming back and thats starting to hit home for me... ACCEPTANCE.

Day 29

Is this what OUR World Cup means to us?
The face of an international star on one of Jozi's tallest buildings?
Where's our sense of pride for our own local soccer stars?
Just my 2 cents... I'm open for correction.

Day 28 - my forever favorites

Classic jams...

Day 28

I'm still not over Avatar...

Day 20/21 - post Valentines day and what seems to be a continuation into today..

The last time I celebrated Valentine's day must have been in primary school. Even then it was mandatory that we set up stalls and sell mugs with cheesy I love you nonsense, red roses, teddy bears, chocolates and self-made cards. All in celebration of St Valentine. It all seemed natural then that there's one day in the year were love is excessively expressed. Well, its sickening! Even as I write now I feel nauseous! So Valentine's day is the great day of love - what is love?? No one still has found a unanimous answer to that infamous question. Ok, so say we all have our own definition of what love is, fair enough. I think love is an unreacheable dream that fades into nothingness once you finally reach it but I will not shove my cynicism down anyone's throat. I've given up on love & that's ok for me, I'll pick it up on my way to somewhere someday. So ja, Valentine's day is a commercialised attempt to savor the sentiments of love etc. etc. I think it kills it. Everything gets caught up in prices and the colour of a wrapper and love is lost. Its superficial and empty. Boring and irritating. Love isn't futile and insincere. It tells a story and finds its place within you, nowhere the surface. Yeah, but its Valetine's day, a day in which 'lovers' get pathetically soppy. Then again its only my opinion. I love it!!

Day 49

I now believe that it gets better. I believe that it heals. I believe that the pain subsides. Nostalgia and memories mask the confusion that still digs into my wounds. But I see my scars and I believe that I'm healing. Although I can't get my mind around the blame and anger that towers over me and strives to break me. How can the people that know how much I loved my man think I would hurt him?? The people that saw me at his side all day embracing him tenderly and giving him life. How could they? Why do they blame me?
Enveloped within myself the things I thought I had figured out, I have to start learning again. The imagined world is not enough so reality it is. I believe I've learnt never to compromise my being

Day 39

It's not about being single ...it's about desperately yearning to feel his touch, to see his smile, to hear his voice.
It's about being completely without him and that breaks me...

Day 37 - What am I supposed to do without you

It seems that stepping out of my cocoon, is stepping out into the wilderness,
unshielded & exposed. In my cocoon I am light, I am new, I am better, I think I am healed..
It is out here under the sky that the rain pains me & the wind gives him a voice then I am without self.
I am without him a breath out and never in, I am rage towards death, I am the life that was taken out of him.

My cocoon right now, is my sanctuary, my truth and my core. It is the hope that keeps me sane and keeps me alive.
I'm not ready to close that door yet.
He is my love and I carry him in my spirit...