Every hour and every minute of my days are spent running around trying to get things done on time. I rush to different places spread my seeds and the next thing, time is up and its time for bed. It was cool when I was an undergrad, things werent easy but they were manageable, right now I feel life developing into what its meant to be, transforming into the person that I ultimately should be...
So point is, reason why I havent blogged in years is that I've been extremely busy and I havent had time to simmer in my own thoughts.
Ok so I've gratuated and my degree is sitting in my cupboard at home. I've realised how its just a degree, you get awarded the certificate and then its over.. move on right along. However, my parents are completely elated and thats justified but I think its too much. They have insisted to throw a grad party for me which I was against for reasons, I will elaborate on. So the party is set to take place on Saturday and the entire family has been invited, including neighbours and friends.
Here's my issue, the celebration isnt a bad thing but it becomes a curse if it happens in an impoverished environment. So here's what I'm getting at, considering that I live in the township and life there is generally not rosy and golden.
Young girls get pregnant or contract HIV, some dont get to pursue their dreams i.e. study further or even finish matric. some dont even get to attain a simple thing like a drivers' licence. Its completely annoying because I have to keep my achievement on the low only to make sure that I'm not stepping anyone's toes and that I'm not in anyone's face about how well my life is working out. Life isnt the same for all of us, this is pretty obvious but it is more apparent in the townships because people are always scrutinizing and sizing you up and comparing themselves to you. and once they notice their deficiencies then i have to suffer for their lives having gone wrong.
So what I'm trying to say is this, I didnt want to have a graduation party because I dont want to put myself out there and have people analysing me, judging me, envying me and sizing me up. Its my achievement, my success and my key to a better life, not anyone else's but my parents do not see this. People are jealous and evil out there, I dont believe in witchcraft but people are often pushed to such limits and my graduation party will most likely push a few towards "getting rid" of me.
Who knows, in two years, I could be dead.. But its a battle I will not lose, not when God is on my side. So I'm going to have this graduation celebration without a hint of fear and I'm going to pray day and night for protection and more blessings because it is indeed God who has brought to this place in my life. And I'm truly thankful that I took heed to His voice and gestures into the right directions. So He is my only fortress right now.
And then! Drama! Some people are just unbelievable. It is apparent to me, by now, that I will not get along with everyone and thats ok. I had to meet new classmates at the beginning of the year and some I took a liking and some I didnt. Those sort of dynamics have a way of creeping out of cracks, no matter how hard you try to cover them up. So if I dont like a person, I wont pretend but I will be civil.
We generally get along in class, for the sake of being in the same class for the whole damn year. But some people have taken upon themselves to take things personally and not take criticism well. As a result of this, I'm known as the "Coconut periphery" - the black girl that chills with the white girl in class.
Well, maybe the black girl feels more comfortable around the white girls, its none of your business what my preferences are. i gravitate towards what is more comfortable for me and I refuse to be brought down to the slimy level of narrow-minded, small town, confused boy.
Anyway, I've been quite upset about this and I had explode it off in my space.
This is MY space... and just by the way, its not about race!
Aaaaarghhh!!!
Anyway, I have to run along, I'm out of time...
Over and out!
T*
Well written fellow coconut! I know exactly how you feel, however, you must never be apologetic about the blessings that God has poured on you. People will always talk no matter what, hold your head up and keep achieving the great things that you were meant to achieve. You're a young black gorgeous woman celebrate that without feeling guilty, you have the right to!
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