Most days start off
seeming like they will be joyful and they give you a sense hope, especially
when you don’t feel like stepping or even rolling out of bed. And as they unravel, you suddenly
realize that you should’ve stayed under those covers. They don’t get any better
but keeps spiralling out of control.
We’ve all had those and I guess we’ve all lived past them but I feel
like I wake up to those kind of days.. every single day.
Its not a matter of not reaching into reserve and drawing from it enough faith and hope to sustain me but it’s a matter of fighting gravity, getting up on my feet, lifting my head and walking.
Its not a matter of not reaching into reserve and drawing from it enough faith and hope to sustain me but it’s a matter of fighting gravity, getting up on my feet, lifting my head and walking.
I’ve had better days
and it hasn’t always been morbid. However,
I guarantee you that I’ve had dark and dingy days more than I’ve had blossoming
and rainbows. Its not a matter of
positivity and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, it’s a matter of
knowing and not doing anything about it.
I don’t have to pretend that I’m being optimistic because that’s just bullshit and I cant see beyond the footsteps I take.
I don’t have to pretend that I’m being optimistic because that’s just bullshit and I cant see beyond the footsteps I take.
I could wake with a
new sense of ambition and it would turn out to not be good enough.. that breaks
me, rips my spirit. So I try
again the next day, and it’s the same bullshit, perhaps its beyond my mental
capacity, maybe I am lazy, stupid and useless. It gets to a point where you start to believe and yes I
shouldn’t. yes theres so much more to life, yes I must focus on the positive,
yes I must smile and forget about the stress. Fuck its life! And its here to
fuck you over when you’re not being cautious. Dammit man!
It also fascinates me how
I will blog when I’ve been shaken, like I was today. Today I realized that my capacity to produce work isn’t so
large, feeling quite mediocre and bland. But that’s just me. This is my space and when I feel like
crying, like screaming, like ranting.. its mine and you cant tell me shit.
So let me be. Tomorrow – I wake up and try again, in
fact I give it my everything. And
if I fail, I’ll be justified.
My thoughts have been disrupted by sleep sending warning signals.. time I laid myself to rest, wish I didn’t have to wake up…
When I think back to
last week, my bunny lay next to me, thank God for the warmth and solace that
one human being can give to another.
Love,
T*
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