Money does not give you the right to treat me like I'm nothing..

Relationships are hard work. And life tends to be hard too. When both are not working out for you then you're pretty much screwed.

No man's an island. We all walk in and out of relationships with a timeline unique experiences. But it's the life changing ministries that allow us to tell similar stories.

I've been in a few relationships in my lifetime. Most of them meant nothing. Only 3 have made an impact. The first lasted 2 and a half years but I was too young and he went through a radical life change. The second ended in a death. The third has given birth to a miracle, my daughter.

Each has come loaded with life lessons and an opportunity to continuously reflect on self. Each I've prayed over. And in each I've learnt to not lose myself, my essence.

But here I find myself lost not knowing who I am. I find myself desperately wanting to fit into his fantastical world. Determined to change who I am so as he is happy. I find myself worshipping him. Fearful that he may leave and my baby girl will be left to live with scars of a broken home. That she would go to school and meet friends and she wouldn't have a happy story to tell about her mommy and daddy.
I give so much of myself. My entire being. And yet that's not enough.

I feel my heart beating in my ears as I write this. I have scars, I have insecurities and I have flaws.  I seek to be loved in spite of these. For him to look beyond these and embrace me.

When material things and money come into a relationship is as good as the devil coming in to make a home. Money creates pockets of complexities that are never really resolvable. It sizes us up and if you have none, then you're nothing. That sounds extremely unhealthy but it's my sad reality. Money gives a person a sense of power. So now you think you can rearrange me to suit your idea of a perfect world? Trust me I find myself subscribing to that.

Its not often this sombre. I do experience moments of electrifying happiness and I savour each millisecond of that. The energy we give off to each other is amazing and explosive.

We're individuals and that is very apparent. We're polar opposites and this often throws us off track.
Its a kind of love that is nauseating, destructive, pompous and arrogant. But it also saturates, mends, solidifies and draws souls to each other.
Yet in it, I need to learn to breathe. To be myself. And to put my happiness as well as my daughter's first..

Love hurts all the time but loving love is one of life's best wonders.

I soldier on.

Love & light xx
T